What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 04:37
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But, we were locked up after school.
Can the effects of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) be reversed?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I waited trembling.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why is it important for Hollywood celebrities to come out against Trump?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We all went to grammer schools
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it wasn’t much.
Why after 50 years of being straight do I constantly desire to suck cock?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
I was scared of men, in general
But ive been too sick for many years..
I will be 64.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im still living with it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It was going to be , some day.
So whats the point in blame.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot live in the past .
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why did i forgive my father ?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When she asked me how she looked .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Put me off passion for life!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was in good health!
This is soul school!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She married twice! .
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ive learnt so much.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i lived it daily.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Who then, do I blame.?
She wouldn,t have been !
I was 9 years of age.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
All the time i was locked up.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
What did i know ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We were not on the streets..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I said to her
She loved him until the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I don,t even have a pension.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I have no regrets .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)